Welcome to spring semester 2020. As the world struggles with a global pandemic, I’m left here wondering if we can collectively get a refund on this year. Watching entire entities shift to an online format has been wild. Seeing the pleading posts plastered through social media that tug at the heart strings for people to stay home, so healthcare providers can have a chance… Watching hordes of people with toilet paper exit the stores for some reason still unbeknownst to me. Seeing grocery store shelves emptied in fear and panic… and I’m sitting here thinking, am I not freaking out enough? I understand the pandemic and how the virus spreads so quickly, and I get that… but perhaps it’s because I’m pretty germaphobic and washing my hands is not a “new” concept to me. Perhaps it’s also because I’ve been labeled “essential” and don’t have the full luxury to stay home in isolation or self-quarantine where I can master the latest TikTok (did I spell that right?) dance. It’s that essential title that part of me translates to a form of front-line disposability and having served in the military, I guess it’s the same general idea to me. I wish people would stay home, I wish I could, too… I see so many people on the road while I’m on my way to work and I find myself thinking, “are you all essential?” Another thing this pandemic has caused is vivid stress-filled dreams because my brain won’t shut it down, and I’ve naturally had an even harder time sleeping the past few weeks. You know, simple dreams of stock-piling food, emergency shut-downs at work, and canceled plans (which has happened in real life, as I’m sure many can relate).
But one thing this pandemic has seemed to do is cause people to slow down. While my boyfriend and I are marked essential and don’t get to slow down completely, I do get to intern and school from home, which has been nice. Through this pandemic I’ve seen more people spending time with their families, more time with their loved ones at home, and more time being grateful. Amidst the Toilet Paper Panic 2020, there’s been a level of gratitude I don’t think I’ve really seen in the general community. I’ve personally noticed more connectivity to friends through the virtual world, although I terribly miss the face-to-face interactions. It’s weird, I never thought I’d spend grad school in an online learning format… especially because I didn’t sign up for it, but here we are… the remaining portion of this semester is fully online via Zoom and Blackboard. It’s difficult to gain the full experiences of grad school in this format, but people actually sign up to learn this way. I miss the fact that I get to see my colleagues three days a week in person, to learn and grow from each other. I’m upset that this is our last semester where we get to interact with each other on a regular basis, since next year we’ll all have different electives, capstones, and culminating experiences. But shifting to online learning is not as terrible as it could be. Sure, it’s not what I signed up for, none of us signed up for that… if we did, I’m sure we’d go through one of the pay-to-play for-profit online schools where we could get our degree and quadrupled student debt in 9 months, instead of our current tracks.
See, my life has been riddled with so many panic-filled stressors and sudden changes and shifts, that adjusting to this seems somewhat normal. Through the traumas and unknown circumstances I’ve faced, this seems like just another day in the life. I think I’m also not as pandemically panicked because I have my own internal turmoil happening. I’m sitting here waiting by the phone to hear from my doctor’s office to see if the results of my biopsy need further attention or not. Family history says the probability that I have the big “C” word is pretty high, but my hope and anxiety says it’s been three months of false positives that only the biopsy can determine the truth. So here I wait for the truth to see what the doctor finds, and I sit back thanking God that I bought a pack of Costco toilet paper 4 months ago that is still 75% full. As your friendly reminder, cover your face hole when you sneeze or cough, and wash your hands.
